The 15 Surprising Ways We Don’t Listen—and How to Do Better

We all think we’re good listeners.

But more often than not, we’re just waiting for our turn to talk.

In a world that moves fast and talks loud, the true art of listening has become rare—and powerful.

Real listening creates connection. Safety. Healing.

So today, let’s flip the script.

Here are 15 subtle ways we actually don’t listen—and what to do instead.

1. We interrupt.

Example: Your friend is sharing a hard day at work and you cut in with, “Oh my gosh, that reminds me of when my boss…”

Instead: Let them finish. Pause. Then share.

2. We relate it back to us.

Example: “That happened to me too!” Even with good intentions, it shifts the spotlight.

Instead: Stay with their moment. Ask, “How did that feel for you?”

3. We jump to fix it.

Example: “You should just tell her how you feel!” Sometimes people don’t need solutions. They need to be heard.

Instead: Ask, “Do you want advice or just someone to listen?”

4. We plan our response while they’re talking.

Example: Mentally crafting your next line while they’re still speaking.

Instead: Slow down. Listen with curiosity, not a comeback.

5. We fill the silence.

Example: They pause, and we rush to say something—anything.

Instead: Silence can be sacred. Give people space to think and feel.

6. We make assumptions.

Example: “Oh I know exactly what you mean…” Do you? Or are you projecting?

Instead: Ask follow-up questions. Let them explain.

7. We invalidate.

Example: “It’s not that big of a deal.” To them, it is. That’s what matters.

Instead: Try, “That sounds really hard.”

8. We analyze instead of empathize.

Example: “You probably feel that way because you’re tired.” No one wants to be a case study.

Instead: Try, “Wow. That’s a lot. How are you doing with it all?”

9. We look distracted.

Example: Scrolling your phone while half-nodding. Presence is love.

Instead: Look them in the eye. Put the phone down. Be with them.

10. We redirect the conversation.

Example: “Anyway… did you hear about [insert unrelated topic]?”

Instead: Honor the moment. Stay in the current.

11. We correct or debate.

Example: “Well, technically that’s not what happened.” Correcting feelings doesn’t help anyone feel safe.

Instead: Validate the experience, not just the facts.

12. We listen with judgment.

Example: “Why would you do that?” or even silent disapproval. They feel it.

Instead: Try openness. Curiosity. “What was that like for you?”

13. We assume a role.

Example: Becoming their therapist instead of their friend.

Instead: Stay human. Ask, “Do you want to vent, or should we brainstorm together?”

14. We rush them.

Example: “Okay, but what’s the point?” Emotions don’t come out on a clock.

Instead: Breathe. Let them arrive at the point when they’re ready.

15. We dismiss their experience.

Example: “It could be worse.” They already know that. They just need someone to see them.

Instead: “You don’t have to compare pain. What you’re feeling matters.”

Final Words:

The truth?

Real listening takes practice. But it also creates magic. When someone feels truly heard, they soften. They trust. They open. And that’s where connection—and healing—begins.

So the next time someone talks, pause. Really listen. Not to fix, impress, or relate—but to understand.